The hopelessness and exhaustion that you feel when you think about dating again is because you haven’t made this ONE shift: This time you’re going to be with a SAFE man.
Many women make the mistake of getting their hearts broken by an UNsafe man because they don’t know how to tell if a man is SAFE.
An UNsafe man is a man who is not a healthy masculine man.
Because SO many women have trouble with this, I created a guide on the 10 signs of a healthy man and you can get it FREE.
Unmasking Unhealthy Patterns: Breaking Free from the Cycle
An UNsafe man is someone that you will FEEL uncomfortable with (if you date with your BODY and not with your intellect, like I coach you), and it might not make sense why.
That’s because if you’re not used to healthy masculine men, (like I wasn’t when I was dating and many women I work with are not), you might try and rationalize the discomfort or sense of “things are off” as being normal because to some degree, it’s normal for you.
The other situation I see a lot is that women are just USED to being uncomfortable around men so that’s actually what’s familiar and therefore comfortable. This is something that I help you heal in my coaching programs.
One way that I get to the bottom of this with my clients is ask you this: From 0-10 how much do you trust him?
You might not actually know that you don’t quite feel all the way safe, if you’re someone who’s been around UNsafe men most of your life. But this question will show us that.
So if you wouldn’t say that you trust him a 10/10 with everything you know about him so far (it might just be the 1st or second date, but you must feel into what you DO know), then it’s NOT going to change.
Isn’t that crazy easy?
I repeat, it’s NOT going to change.
And what that means is that you will date, be a girlfriend to, get engaged to and even marry a man you don’t trust 10/10 (either because you never checked with yourself if you trust him all the way or NOT trusting 10/10 is normal and there’s nothing OFF about this for you) and that’s a recipe for disaster.
Trust-Building Milestones: Navigating the Journey from 0 to 10
I’ve seen this over and over and over at various stages, including the stage AFTER the marriage, where she finally admits to herself that she never felt fully emotionally safe with him.
Yes you need to be at 10/10 trust at every stage, based on the amount you know about him in order to move forward to a LASTING PARTNERSHIP that’s HEALTHY.
Yes, it’s HEALTHY not to be at 10/10 when you first meet him, but that’s not what I am talking about.
I mean, you trust him a little bit at a time – until you have a reason NOT to.
So in the beginning, it might look like this:
Yes I trust him 10/10 to call when he says he will.
Or it might be yes, I trust him 10/10 to show up to a date, lol, because he showed up last time. LOL.
But let’s say it’s a little bit further into the relationship and you’re here when it comes to these:
Do I trust him to not cheat? 10/10
Do I trust him to tell the truth if asked a direct question? 9/10
Do I trust him to do what he says he will? 9/10
Do I trust him to hear me? 4/10
Oh-oh. That wouldn’t work for me.
And I am here to tell you that it won’t work for you, either.
Not in the long term, no matter what you might think at the moment.
No you don’t need to be perfect and no he does not have to be perfect, but there does need to be enough willingness and ability to trust to create a healthy foundation so you can create a healthy partnership.
When you see the reason, (you most likely won’t see it, but you will FEEL it. Something will feel off about how he’s talking about his last relationship. Or maybe something will feel off about the way he looks at you when you talk), TRUST yourself (and get help understanding what a HEALTHY masculine man is), because if you don’t trust yourself at 10/10, you can’t trust anyone else 10/10.
The mistake many women make at this juncture is to doubt themselves, second-guess themselves, gaslight themselves and tell themselves that it’s only the first or second date and that they will wait it out and see. Instead they should be looking at the 10 signs of a healthy man and checking them off LOL.
The reason you need the checklist is the second possibility – that this feeling of discomfort and lack of safety is FAMILIAR.
The reason it’s familiar might be because you never had a healthy role-model growing up in terms of a father figure.
It could be that maybe the men you dated in your formative relationship years were (teens, 20s) were abusive or maybe it was more subtle, they just didn’t honor you.
The Trust Litmus Test: 10 Signs of a safe Partnership
Or maybe, like many of us started out, you just don’t believe in 10/10 trust being possible because none of your girlfriends have that with their spouses and you think that’s normal.
Well, it’s normal because deplorable messages about men and women are constant on all media but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a sacred partnership.
It doesn’t mean all women are gold diggers and all men are cheaters. That’s only a portion of the population and it doesn’t have be your reality, unless you let it.
These are all the things that play into trust but what I want you to walk away with form this post with, is that you can’t create a foundation for long term success in love without a 10/10 trust.
And the FIRST step to get to 10/10 trust is to pick a HEALTHY masculine man. You’ll never get to 10 trust with an UNhealthy man. He will be UNsafe.
I am giving you the 10 signs of a healthy man free but if you know you need more help applying this to your dating life and you want to make sure you’re in a place where you’re able to tell and trust SAFE men, I teach all of that in my 90 day 1-1 private intensive.
You can send me a DM if you know you want more help than the guide and I will respond back with a few questions to see if we’re a fit to work together and if so, we can get started right away.