If your relationships don’t feel good and you don’t feel fulfilled or happy, it could be that you are accepting harm in the guise of imperfection.
IMperfect is NOT the same as UNhealthy. And yes, there is divinity in both. But IMperfect isn’t necessarily harmful whereas UNhealthy almost always is.
IMperfect acknowledges the innate presence of flaws or spaces for growth, whereas UNhealthy characterizes a condition actively detrimental or injurious to well-being.
Imperfection neutrally accepts the reality of limitations, while unhealthiness conveys a negative influence on one’s health or the overall quality of life.
As I dove deeper and deeper into this topic the difference became very clear: Personal responsibility.
I remember people in my life who were causing consistent deep harm through their disrespect and then layered on top of that harm, was caused by their inability and/or unwillingness to OWN their part.
IMperfection was the EXCUSE they used for their lack of personal responsibility.
I went through a journey then of saying to them, please heal this about yourself because it’s really hurting me, in the same way, over and over.
These people didn’t heal it, they didn’t apologize, they didn’t take ownership and accountability of their behavior, they didn’t acknowledge the harm that it was causing, they gave me the message that I don’t matter.
My feelings, needs and pain didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. We were not in this together. It was them doing it how they wanted to do it and me having to take it.
Incredibly, these individuals not only persisted in their hurtful behavior but they made EXCUSES for their behavior. Interestingly, those excuses often included the word “imperfect.”
At that time I didn’t know what I am telling you now but I wanted to really get into the weeds of this distinction because I see it take so many women down in their relationships.
The excuses sounded something like this:
There are so many good things I do for you why aren’t you grateful for those? (Blame).
I am not perfect and if you can’t accept that then you’re the problem. (Blame).
If my behavior is that hurtful to you, then you’re the problem
stop telling me all the things that are wrong with me and grow up (Blame, disrespect).
Don’t you have better things in your life going for you that you can focus on than constantly criticizing my normal human imperfections (Blame, humiliation, degradation).
You’re too sensitive, I don’t mean any harm. (Minimization, blame).
Get over it, it happened a long time ago and you keep bringing it up. (Minimization, blame, dishonor).
Poor me, I am just an imperfect human making mistakes and here you are nitpicking at every step (Discounting, blame).
Can you feel the HUUUGE difference?
And no, we’re not unwilling to acknowledge the divine is someone who is unhealthy because we hold them accountable. Because we NEED them to be accountable.
That’s called maturity.
That’s called being a creator and owning that sometimes you miscreate.
Holding someone accountable has become such a catchphrase that I am going to rephrase that over and over just to distill the meaning of it.
Even chat GPT know what that is:
Ensure someone takes responsibility.
Make someone answer for their actions.
Hold someone answerable.
Make someone liable for their behavior.
Ensure someone is held to task.
Taking accountability for your behavior means acknowledging and accepting responsibility for your actions, decisions, and their consequences.
It involves being aware of the impact your behavior may have on yourself and others and being willing to take appropriate steps to make amends or improve.
Can you see how that’s an ENTIRELY different thing altogether than IMperfection?
Here’s an AWESOME and thorough ChatGPT breakdown of what it means to take accountability for your behavior:
Recognition:
Acknowledge and recognize your actions and their effects. Understand that you played a role in a particular situation or outcome.
Ownership:
Take ownership of your behavior without making excuses or blaming external factors. Recognize that you have control over your actions.
Self-Reflection:
Reflect on the motives and intentions behind your behavior. Consider how your actions align with your values and goals.
Apology and Amends:
If your behavior has harmed or affected others negatively, be willing to apologize sincerely and make amends. This may involve correcting mistakes or addressing the consequences of your actions.
Learning and Growth:
Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth. Identify areas where you can improve, learn from the situation, and commit to making positive changes.
Communication:
Communicate openly about your behavior, especially if it impacts others. Share your insights, express remorse if necessary, and demonstrate a commitment to positive change.
Consistency:
Demonstrate consistent behavior aligned with your acknowledgment of responsibility. Follow through on your commitment to change and avoid repeating harmful actions.
Empathy:
Consider the perspectives and feelings of others affected by your behavior. Develop empathy and an understanding of how your actions may have impacted them.
Integrity:
Uphold your integrity by aligning your words and actions. Be honest with yourself and others about your behavior and your commitment to accountability.
Rebuilding Trust:
Recognize that rebuilding trust, especially if it has been damaged, takes time. Consistently demonstrating accountable behavior is essential in rebuilding trust with others.
Taking accountability is a sign of emotional maturity and a commitment to personal development. Welcome to adulting 101 LOL.
It contributes to healthier relationships, fosters trust, and helps create a positive and responsible community or environment.
Many women get lost in the distinction and accept poor treatment, harmful behavior and consistent disrespect when it’s disguised as IMperfection.
But harmful behavior isn’t IMperfection. It’s irresponsible and unwise and will NOT lay the foundation for a healthy hot marriage.
Unfortunately UNhealthy cannot create a loving flow of energy that nourishes both partners as this diminishes one partner or both and creates resentment and shut down. But IMperefect can!!!!!!
This is one of the things I help you heal in my coaching programs.
The most important thing is selecting a healthy masculine man who yes, is IMperfect. But that’s not the same as UNhealthy.
The distinction makes ALL the difference and I hope me spelling it out was helpful for you.
And as always of you feel you want help with this, we can heal any and all disrespect, dishonor and harm caused by an UNhealthy individual when we work together but we cannot CHANGE them.
I invite you to send me a DM and ask about working together if this resonated with you!
Love, Emilia