A man “doing the inner work” is not usually an indication of a healthy masculine man who is ready for a relationship.
Often when we meet a woman “doing the inner work” we feel SAFE with her. We TRUST her. We feel like we can share ourselves fully with her and she will GET us and SEE us and meet us there. She’s on the path with us. In the arena. YAYA!!!!
But “doing the inner work” is NOT an indicator of the same in men!
To discern which man is a man you trust 100% to lead you into the heart of your surrender with his grounded presence & unwavering integrity, do NOT look for how much “inner work” he does.
Like, be brave enough to be with a man you like, respect, admire and feel good around SO MUCH that you don’t need him to change in any way. You don’t need him to improve and do any “inner work.”
Feminine leaders who do the inner work: You really don’t need a man who ALSO does the inner work – not in the way you think.
Your idea of the inner work is NOT the thing that empowers the masculine the way it empowers the feminine.
In fact, it’s often emasculating and diminishing to want, believe you need, and expect, a masculine man to dive deep into his emotions, traumas, childhood experiences and limiting beliefs the way we feminines do.
When you hold a man accountable for “doing the inner work” if he’s a masculine being, it lands in his world like you don’t trust him, he’s not good enough, and he’s not doing enough.
It lands in his world like he has to change somehow. That somehow it’s not enough what he has to give you.
A healthy masculine man will likely leave as he will interpret this as you not being open to receive from him and not seeing everything he’s able to contribute.
The best you will do with this approach is attract a healthy but FEMININIE man where there might be a great connection and friendship, but there won’t be polarity, chemistry or a foundation for forever nourishing energy flow.
But in most cases, the outcome is even worse, as in one of these:
- An effeminate/unhealthy masculine man will stay and try to please you and you will look down on him even more.
- A narcissist will front like he’s doing the inner work, indulging in deep long conversations about family trauma, his “triggers” and “what he needs to work on” to manipulate you – and you might fall for it. I see many successful, spiritual women fall for this shit. Once upon a time I did, too.
It’s not because you’re dumb. It’s because you’re measuring the masculine with the same tape measure you use to measure the trustworthiness of the feminine. But the feminine and masculine paths to emotional, spiritual health and wholeness and connection to the Divine are NOT the same.
So we can’t use the same tape measure to measure a masculine being’s trustworthiness that we use to measure a feminine being’s trustworthiness.
Because your need for him to do the inner work often comes from a lack of understanding of men, wounds you carry about feeling unseen, abandoned, neglected or alone (and a part of you thinks that a connection over wounds is a REAL connection and goes for someone doing the inner work as a way of connection and bonding when in most cases this is actually what I call woundology), and a misplaced indicator of trustworthiness.
Let me talk about each of these in detail.
A trustworthy man is NOT detected by how “enlightened,” “aware” or “in touch with his emotions” he is.
In fact after about 10 yrs of dating and 500 dates I can tell you that to me, these qualities in a man are quasi-orange flags.
They are orange flags because a HEALTHY masculine man does NOT LEAD with these kinds of things.
He does not lead himself, his woman or his life based on “the inner work” like we, the feminines, do.
What a healthy masculine man leads his life with are qualities like integrity, honor and follow-through, before feelings.
It’s not that he does NOT have feelings or is not in touch with them.
It’s just that he does not LEAD with them. They are not his world the way feelings are to the feminine.
And if you’re looking for a man who “does the inner work” that usually translates to a man “in touch with his feelings” and can be easily misinterpreted to a man who “leads with his feelings.”
In my experience, most of the men who are blatantly and apparently and clearly and visibly in touch with “their feelings” are leading with their feelings and are effeminate men/unhealthy masculine men and narcissists.
ALSO unhealthy men have learned that one way to manipulate women into intimacy is to “be in touch with their feelings” and so they use their “feelings” as a pick up strategy.
I can’t tell you how many incredibly successful, strong, creative feminine women tell me, “but he seemed so healthy and so in touch with his emotions and like he was really committed to doing the inner work” and actually that man was NOT a healthy man 95% of the time.
Usually it’s after she’s been “fooled” with his emotional peacocking into a sign that he is trustworthy.
I am here to tell you that “doing the inner work” should be a sign of at very minimum an orange flag and NOT a sign that this man is trustworthy because most women don’t understand the MASCULINE version of “doing the inner work” looks VERY different from the feminine version and from what we as women do.
This is one main reason that women who’re with men who “do the inner work” actually do NOT trust their man 10/10 and you NEED to be at a 10/10 trust in order to create a sacred union.
To spot a healthy masculine man, look for generative energy, integrity (does what he says he will do), generosity (Want a jacket? Can I pay for your coffee? Do you need a ride? Buy life insurance. LOL), not signs of “inner work” LOL.
This is one of the things I really help you understand and implement in my coaching programs such as my Private, 90 day meet your DREAM man 1:1 intensive.
If you’re interested in my help, just send me a dm and mention this blog. We will have a quick chat over messenger to see if we feel it’s a fit and if so, we can get started right away.