The problem with never telling your masculine man directly what you need is that you will NEVER be happy or fulfilled. And neither will he. Because masculine men are not dumb. They KNOW when they’re not meeting the mark.
But they are NOT women.
The brains of men and women are biologically, physically and biochemically different in over 160 ways.
And men are not mind readers or hint “picker uppers.”
(SOME men are….but THOSE men are generally gay or effeminate.)
Because masculine men’s focus is on one place – PRODUCING A RESULT.
And in their precise masculine way, they are incredibly, beautifully intuitive.
He KNOWS when you’re not happy. He just doesn’t know why. He has no idea….
The Misunderstandings of Masculine Communication
A masculine man LIVES to make his woman happy. THAT is the result he’s after.
And he’s after it in a very focused way.
What do you want? I get.
What do you want? I get.
Tell me what you want so I get. lol
Not…oooh I noticed you like red and blue so I bought you these flowers that match your wallpaper……and I noticed you were snacking on toast so I bought your favorite gluten free bread.
So the problem comes in when you, unknowingly TAKE AWAY the opportunity for him to MAKE YOU HAPPY.
Some of you do this by dropping hints and then deciding that he doesn’t rally care about you or want to be with you if he doesn’t “get the hint.”
Or communicating what you’d like but being “feminine polite” about it aka not saying what you mean and asking for it “as long as it doesn’t put him out.”
If you give him a way out (to try not to put him out)….aka say something like, “I’d love to see you if you’re not busy,” to a man sounds like, “I’m OK with seeing you but it’s not gonna make me that happy. It’s not something that means enough to me to actually ASK for.”
If you never make it clear what you truly want (so he doesn’t fail/let you down if he doesn’t “feel” like doing it ((btw you’re not his mom so you don’t need to protect his feelings and if you’re not willing to be vulnerable enough to ask and LET him give, then it’s only going to send him the message that what he has to offer doesn’t really mean that much to you))…..SORRY!!!!!
If you think that you’re too much if you ask for things that you wouldn’t ask a girlfriend for (because it WOULD be stressful to a female friend to be asked to provide the way a man WANTS to provide)….
Then you’re DAMAGING your relationship with a masculine man. I am so sorry….
But have no fear Emilia is here lol….
Let me give you an example.
I have been married for 13 yrs, very happily…thank GOD because what was modeled to me was NOT that in ANY sense of the word with my family of origin.
I did the work, I got here.
Two nights ago I asked hubby to order in food for dinner for our family.
Now, earlier in the day, I had said I was craving pizza.
When the food came, there was NO PIZZA!
He ordered me the usual – veggies and a Hungarian dish I love.
Now did he not care about me? NO.
Did he neglect me? NO.
Did he do it to piss me off? HELL NO.
HE THOUGHT THAT’S WHAT I WANTED.
I was disappointed I didn’t get pizza….but…
I didn’t even have to talk to him about it, because I knew EXACTLY what happened.
And I am not exaggerating when I tell you, I see this ALL.THE.FN.TIME in one form or another with almost all women that I work with.
I didn’t communicate clearly.
I didn’t’ communicate directly.
I didn’t look him in the eye, and tell him specifically…
“When you order this time can you please order me pizza and I want the gluten free pizza with a b c d toppings, please hubstermister!”
NO I didn’t do that.
Not on purpose, I was just busy, life was life and I mumbled it to the fridge instead LOL!
Why Dropping Hints Fails with Masculine Men
Now he’s a masculine man.
He’s NOT going to mind read.
He’s NOT going to think like a girlfriend about all the extras I might like.
He’s NOT going to remember me “dropping hints” that I was craving pizza earlier in the day at the time he’s ordering the food (because he’s focused on ordering the FOOD).
This doesn’t make him…
not paying attention
it makes him a MASCULINE MAN.
The Dire Consequences of Withholding Direct Communication
When the time to produce the RESULT of making his family FED and happy, he did the usual thing that WORKS.
He did what WORKS and makes his family FED and happy.
He did what I’ve asked for over the last 20 + times we’re ordered food from this place.
Not because he’s hard to communicate with.
But because he was MAKING ME HAPPY.
But can you see if these kinds of things happen over and over, without being addressed, or by being badly addressed (let’s say I did confront my husband that he was a jerk because I told him I wanted pizza and he didn’t order it, as an example), the couple will grow apart over the years, there won’t really be intimacy and each partner will feel alone int he relationship.
I have sooooooo much to say about this but it boils down to these 3 things:
- Dropping hints NEVER works with masculine men, stop it!
- Masculine men are NOT women. So if you ask for something in a direct, detailed way with respect and appreciation they take it as PARTNERSHIP not IMPOSITION like the feminine would (or an unhealthy man would – I had one say I was being condescending lol – wounded man alert!).
- Withholding direct and honest communication about your needs and desires over time leads to resentment, exhaustion and independence inside of your initmate relationship with your masculine man – which creates loneliness and leads to DIVORCE.
I see some of you doing this early on in the dating journey and I can tell you EXACTLY where that continued behavior LEADS… like in 5 or 10 yrs – after kids, paying bills and doing life.
I can tell you exactly, because I have clients trying to fix this exact problem WAAAAY down the line, when it’s already damaged their relationship over the last 10 yrs, over and over and OVER.
It leads to SUCKAGE. SEPARATION. DIVORCE.
You think you’re HELPING…. but ladies!!!! You’re HARMING!
You’re harming yourself….because you’re not getting what you need. When you don’t have what you need, you can’t be your best self!!!
You’re harming your man because all he wants to do is make you HAPPY but he doesn’t have the INFORMATION he needs to do that.
And you’re harming your kids…because they’re NOT learning healthy partnership skills.
Please please learn about this from me, from Alison Armstrong, from any one who can help you learn about masculine and feminine communication.
If you want help in this area, I offer this in my 90 day 1-1 private intensive where we work on communicating with the masculine whether you’re dating or already in a relationship that you’d like to save or improve (or even when it’s a co-parenting situation with the father of your kids who is a man).
If that’s you, I invite you to send me a DM and say hi and mention this post and I will respond with a few questions to see if I can help and if it’s a fit and if so, we can get started right away.