Most women have a hard time distinguishing where the boundary lies between healthy love and unhealthy love. I was there and figured it out and here’s what I learned.
Many women make the mistake thinking that healthy love is “love + a little bit of abuse sprinkled in is OK because no one is perfect.”
There is a HUGE, generation-impacting difference between “a little bit of abuse sprinkled in” and healthy, thriving love.
The distinction actually is between what are healthy human behaviors or mistakes that lead to pain OCCASSIONALLY and what are unhealthy consistent PATTERNS that cause a disconnection and loss of trust REPEATEDLY.
And if you’re a healthy self-respecting person you don’t spend your energy on fixing the trust someone else is repeatedly eroding because you value your energy and time.
But most of us know that logically but can’t execute it in action because emotionally we’re comfortable with the love+abuse model as being actual love. In my 90 day 1-1 intensive we move the emotional energy and heal, so you can take authentic, empowered action without the heavy-feeling emotions and limiting beliefs that stop you on your way.
We didn’t have healthy love modeling. But that’s OK. We still can break the cycle.
A lot of relationships and people with abusive patterns hide from accountability under the “I’m not perfect and neither are you pavilion,” which is essentially the love+abuse still equals love model.
But love + abuse is NOT love.
It’s just extremely common.
It’s “normal.”
But that doesn’t make it OK.
And I am very sorry about that.
Because most of us fall into that trap multiple times and propagate the pattern. And some of us take year long detours and come out of the war with a few kids on our hip.
I have been there (sans kids, thanks to PCOS). Like I SO have been there.
There was a defining moment in my life when I left the emotionally abusive, masculine but very unhealthy narcissistic man I was planning on marrying.
This man did not care about my well-being because he was too focused on his wounds and managing/controlling/suppressing them. Being an empath, I was like, yay here’s a job for me, lol. I can be useful and earn love! YAY!
We lived together in our 20s and I remember one morning he came to bed and wanted to have sex and when I didn’t want to because I was asleep LOL, he wouldn’t speak to me for about 3 days. I got the silent treatment. I had gotten this at times from my parents for “bad” behavior (not being who they wanted me to be), so not so bad, I thought…
I remember when he got in his deep dark moods, he’d smoke weed and watch porn. I found both terrifying at the time as they both allowed negative entities into our home. But I thought he had a right to do these things even though I repeatedly cried about how much it was hurting me because it was his home too, I thought…..
And then the thing that shocked me the most; on New yrs eve I cooked a special meal and he didn’t want to come eat and being 24, I got pissed about it so he got up and slammed me against the wall. But that wasn’t the shocking part. The shocking part was that when I told my father (another love+abuse=love man) he said, “Oh but he loves you so much I saw how he folded the napkins waiting for you for tonight’s dinner.”
And at the time I was like well if my dad says it’s Ok, maybe it is, I thought…..
If I am to be completely honest I will tell you that I don’t know HOW I found the strength to leave.
I just remember thinking I will never be who I am meant to be in the world if I stay because all my energy will go to fighting this war and in fighting it, I will be propagating it. I saw this is how war starts and propagates – in the family.
And I remember God sent me the graces of a friend who had been in an abusive marriage who told me, “it’s not going to change when you have babies. Now he’s slamming doors in your face only, but think about what it would be like with a baby in your arms and him slamming the doors on you then.”
I literally had to move countries (Canada to USA) to break that trauma bond and even then it wasn’t broken.
And I don’t know how I’d wake up in his bed again and again, even after I moved out and gotten my own place. There was something about our relationship that was like a drug. I started to feel like I would and could never leave and that this was all life was going to give me. I must be broken.
Here is a photo from 15 yrs later, after my dreams of marrying a healthy man and breaking the generational cycle came true.
I was just talking with my friend and fellow relationship coach about how generational trauma persists until we hold the person generating it accountable. And say NO more.
And how so often we participate in the trauma, not by being the one who inflicts it but by being the one who ALLOWS it. The one who STAYS.
I know you’re a rebel and you’re the one person in your generational lineage who WON’T allow it.
So if you have the will, I have the way.
I have the way to heal and break the cycle – and it WORKS.
It’s not the ONLY way.
I don’t even claim that it’s the BEST way.
But I know it works.
And this WAY is why I didn’t go do my PHD in Psychology and become a therapist like I thought I would.
Because therapy in over 10 yrs, only ever took me so far….but I never actually BROKE any patterns or got tools to heal and move emotions.
If you’re interested in breaking unhealthy patterns and leaving a generational legacy of HEALTHY LOVE for your children and frankly every one who comes in contact with you, this is what this work is.
That’s why I call my blog Rich Bitch blog, lol, because this is a wealth that you cannot put a number to but it’s the foundation and support upon which you build all of your life.
As a woman on a mission, the last thing you need is more draining men. You need a healthy masculine man who has got your back who puts your happiness and well being as top priority.
In my 90 day 1-1 intensive I teach you how to date and sort for these men and if you do end up with one of them, how to cut it off quickly and move on.
Without this kind of help, most women take multiple detours and some never break the cycle. They grow old but they don’t grow wise.
And that’s why I created this 90 day deep dive with unlimited healing sessions. Because I want to give you all the healing you need to break the cycle forever.
If you’re ready and this resonates with you then I invite you to send me a DM and ask about my 90 day intensive. In that intensive we work on dating, sorting and powerful partnering with a healthy masculine man who is ready to build forever with your well being and happiness in mind.
My clients meet their match in an average of 3-6 months of working together at a rate of 1-2 dates per week.