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My Story About Overcoming Poverty in Love

TRIGGER warning: suicide

I have the most amazing husband. Like today I am writing in my journal about how yesterday when he came home for lunch I cried and he listened and then it dawned on me – OMG we LIVE together now, he’s HOME for lunch!!!! LOL

Sometimes when I hear his voice in the morning talking to our daughter I feel my heart fill with delight and gratitude and erotic feelings.

At night when we say goodnight, after putting our daughter to bed, sometimes with the dishes left undone and laundry piled on the floor downstairs, I put his hand on my face and feel the immense gratitude that I get to live this life with him.

Our daughter is 10. We’ve been together 14 years.

And it wasn’t always this way.

I didn’t know what having an abundance of love felt like.

I grew up very very poor in the realm of love.

My parents left me when they emigrated from Bulgaria to the USA and I was only 6 yrs old. I lived with my grandmother. Our family didn’t reunite until I was 12.

I moved cities and countries multiple times and lost my home, my grandmothers and aunties, my beloved cat and my favorite childhood playground with my homeland.

I experienced a deprivation and devastation so deep that at 12 yrs. old, I sincerely considered killing myself. I have tears as I write this to you.

I lived in a new city – again – and there was no adult there I could depend on for nourishment and safety. I was living with my mother in an apartment by the mountains in Boulder. She had one male friend. I had no friends.

I cannot describe in words the depth of despair and depravity – a poverty of love – I felt then.

I was only 12 – had left everything I ever knew and loved to come live with a person who rejected me.

She had no love to give because she was depressed.

Maybe even suicidal herself, which I learned much later form my father who lived in Austria at the time. (We did all 3 of us unite in Canada that year. But there still was deep poverty in love, for me.)

And that’s how I started my journey into womanhood that year.

I was told by my father I am too fat and I should be more like my mother who was skinny.

That I should write down everything I eat so he could supervise me, he told me with a wrath flashing in his eyes. Because no one would marry me like this, he said.

I hated him. I hated both of them. I hated them until I was 44 yrs old, I am ashamed to admit.

I moved through my teenage years alone, a warrior, a conqueror. I was on the swim team, I practiced martial arts, I carried canoes camping in the Canadian wilderness.

When my dating life started at about age 15 I spent until my early 30s in unhealthy, toxic and unsatisfying relationships, playing out almost every cycle that I experienced with my parents.

I dated the liar.

I dated the hot but effeminate tarot reader who plagiarized poetry.

I dated the wounded masculine man who was actually a narcissist addicted to weed and porn, who stole prescription pads from the psychiatrist and wrote his own prescriptions.

I dated the man who said he knew I was his future wife but disappeared after I slept with him.

My warrior side achieved abundantly in the material world but I was bereft of love, belonging and a home for my heart emotionally.

I dated the men whose bills I paid, who couldn’t get a job, who were in “open relationships,” who were looking for a mistress, a concubine, a sex toy.

I became an eater of men. I had men for breakfast. I had them for lunch and dinner. I wasn’t callous, I just wasn’t there. They became a toy to me. I looked down on men and I found much encouragement for my disdain in society and in feminist circles.

There was nothing a man could give me that I couldn’t get myself, of THAT I was sure.

But a little small voice in my heart said, “but what about LOVE?”

My parents divorced when I was 27. The narcissistic abuse continued until well into my 30s causing severe health issues and CPTSD at this point.

I celebrated their divorce, to be honest, because their marriage was a war zone I barely survived.

I decided I wanted a husband and a family but I wanted to do it RIGHT.

I started studying with Alison Armstrong then.

In her first course, which was called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, she taught us crazy, unbelievable IMPOSSIBLE things about men. What she taught us about men seemed unrealistic, highly unlikely, inconceivable, far-fetched, implausible, preposterous, and I would even say partly delusional. I would even have said irrational and illogical.

That’s what I thought until she brought in a panel of men at the end of the weekend workshop.

We were invited to ask them any questions we wanted, pre-written on a Q-card, collected and asked respectfully and reverently by the women workshop facilitators.

The men answered these questions – all of which I, myself, had – and I saw something I had NEVER seen before.

I saw tenderness.

I saw devotion.

I saw provision.

I saw protection.

I saw care.

I saw LOVE.

They LOVED women.

They LOVE us!!!

My dating life started to considerably change after that.

It wasn’t fast, it was sloooow.

I dated internationally. And year after year, my experiences with men internationally, became more and more satisfying.

I started to LET men care for me because I now believed that they COULD.

I felt grateful for what they brought into my life.

I started dating pretty consistently then – about 2 to 3 dates a week.

I met men online and offline and my experiences and connection with men became more trusting, more connected, more tender.

Energy was flowing between me and the men I was now attracting in a way that nourished me and I could see, nourished them.

They wanted to be around me. I wanted to be around them.

Even though these relationships FELT healthy and good, they ended quickly for various reasons – a man was moving, a man didn’t want children, a man was really into me but I felt I needed to hide my considerable woo woo side, etc…

I cleaned up the energetics to a point where there wasn’t a deprivation of connection, compatibility or chemistry so much as a lack of compatibility in terms of life and family goals.

It’s like I knew how to conjure….LOVE!

It was then that I met my husband.

And within just a few weeks of dating him I felt that I wanted to marry him and I told God.

And here we are. I changed the cycle, I broke the deprivation, I am starting a new lineage and legacy of love.

Now you know the whole story and why I am SO passionate about this work.

I believe it saves lives, families, the world. This is my sacred social, cultural and spiritual activism. Every loving family is a foundation for a loving world.

And you know what? It starts in HOW YOU DATE. Because WHO you date is WHO you MARRY!!!!!

Because DATING intentionally is HOW you can SEE what is in your way of creating a healthy, hot, loving partnership – while at the same time learning how to SELECT the right man who is masculine, healthy and ready.

That’s why I want to invite you to my EVERYTHING dating program.

I am going to teach you ALL about all the shifts I made when dating and help you implement them as you procure introductions to healthy masculine men using online dating platforms.

It’s taught LIVE by me starting March 21st at 10 am PST and it goes for 8 weeks.

We will meet weekly and all calls are recorded.

AND you will have unlimited voxer/messenger access to me for the entire 8 weeks. In fact, you get that as soon as you register, which would extend that support to a total of 11 weeks. The investment is only $888 or 3 x $333 and I have 6 spot open.

Send me a DM if you’re interested and we will chat over messenger to see if it’s a fit for where you are right now.

This program is a good fit for you if you’re currently dating or WANT to date for marriage, if you have a deep spiritual/woowoo life and you’re a feminine woman and you want to be in a life partnership with a healthy masculine man.

I am looking forward to connecting with you!

Love, Emilia

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