There are two main common reasons why strong successful sensitive women attract emotionally unavailable men.
One, emotionally unavailable men feel “comfortable” to us if we come from a family of origin with emotional or narcissistic abuse (because then we grew up in an environment of emotional unavailability – to say the least – and that feels normal and like home).
The second reason women attract emotionally unavailable men (or “chase” men rather than allow men to choose and “chase” them) is because a woman has unresolved shame about her past and hasn’t forgiven herself about events in her life that may have put her or others in harm’s way. And she subconsciously doesn’t see herself as worthy and deserving of real, sincere attention or connection for that reason.
Here’s an example of this playing out for a client of mine.
In the beginning of her dating journey, she’d had some smile exchanges with a guy at the gym and one morning she found a note on her car that said, “You have a beautiful smile. Dan… and his phone number.”
She got so excited, she called him right away and gushed about how happy his note made her! He was a smidge standoffish and told her he’d call later because he was at work.
But he didn’t call later. A few days later when she saw him at the gym he apologized and said that he’d been super busy and he’d be traveling for work over the next few weeks.
And a few weeks later they saw each other at the gym again and exchanged smiles. Later that day he sent a text, “call me when you’re free.”
So, she called him that night after work and they talked for about an unsatisfying hour.
It was unsatisfying, she said, because she kept waiting for a connection, she said but the conversation seemed flat. So she stayed on the phone for an hour to give the connection a chance! I coach you on 5 mins!
At the end of the phone call, he didn’t ask her out, he again mentioned that he’d be traveling for work and very busy.
When she went on a few dates with other men who were sincere and masculine, because she used the filtering method I taught her, she found herself pining for Dan.
She wished he would call, she wondered what happened, she felt insecure and like something was wrong with her because he hadn’t asked her out after the 1-hour call.
She found herself thinking about him, wanting to reach out to him and she would search the men for him at the gym.
See, this man gave my client multiple signs that he’s not interested in an actual connection or relationship. Based on his behavior, he’s communicating in “Manglish” that he’s attracted to her and interested in a shallow connection, maybe sex.
She pined after him for 2 reasons. One, he was a 9.5 on her attraction scale (he was tall, well built, charismatic and “important” or at least that’s how she perceived him – in other words – an Alpha). So basically, instinct, LOL. I talked about the elusive Alpha in a separate post.
And two, he was emotionally unavailable. Again, the instinct of seeking the familiar/comfortable/perceived as safe even if it’s actually unhealthy and not safe at all.
This is actually very common and it’s one of the things we heal in my 90 day 1-1 intensive, so that you are dating with a clean slate and able to receive genuine interest and also feel that there is nothing dark that you need to hide in your soul because you’ve worked through whatever you thought was shameful and forgiven yourself.
Once we unraveled the situation and unpacked these layers; that he was an alpha to her and her instincts were having her want him, WANT him….
….that he was emotionally unavailable and that there was still some deep inner healing to be done around some of her previous relationships that were emotionally and psychologically abusive….
….. and she needed to forgive herself for staying as long as she did which again, was due to instinct (women stay because it “seems” safer than braving the dating world again alone – which is why I am here btw!!!).
Once we unraveled the layers and did the healing (it only took 1.5 sessions), she was able to release her desire for him by understanding how her instincts were at play in her attraction to him and healing the parts of her that were comfortable or “vibing with” the lukewarm and insecure emotional connection/attachment that she had with him.
Once she released her attachment, she was able to open her heart and show up as her real self on her next few dates. And it’s no wonder that within a few dates she met her guy and they are now married and had a son about 6 months ago, so so in LOVE!
My point is that you can get stuck in this very common unhealthy cycle for months or even years of chasing someone who “seems” like an Alpha to your instinct and also “matches your frequency” in terms of what SEEMS comfortable because it’s your blueprint for love or it’s all you believe you deserve, or both.
Your instinct will keep you chasing or holding on to that person when it’s not a partnership or anywhere near sacred union.
I hope this post helps you see some of the dynamics at play in our 2023 dating world.
If you’d like help getting a husband in 2024, LOL then send me a PM and ask about my 90 day 1-1 intensive.
In that intensive I support you with unlimited access to me as you go on 1-2 dates per week and connect with high-quality men so you can take your pick.
This way of dating generally will bring up anything that’s in the way of having real, authentic sacred love.
And that’s perfect because we heal it.
We work on emotional healing such as the layers I’ve described above as well as many other kinds of emotional knots that might have you repelling real, conscious love.
With my help, my clients meet their partner in an average of 5 to 10 dates/3 months at a rate of 1-2 dates per week. You can, too!!!
Love, Emilia